it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
