i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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