god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
