I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
