I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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