my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
