at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
