Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
