I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You are the jesus of drinking
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
