The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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