I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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