and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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