And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
