theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
