What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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