Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
