you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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