woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
