I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
