Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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