So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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