You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
