My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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