Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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