I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
