Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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