I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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