I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize