True but thats because hes a fetus.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
