He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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