Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
