it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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