Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
