It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
