just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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