If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
