Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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