Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Also, beer. Big fan.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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