If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
