Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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