Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
