you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Randomize
