He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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