I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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