Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
