WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
