i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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