I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
