Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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