I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
