U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
