Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
