and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
