I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize