So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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