Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
