just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
