its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
