Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
