Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
